My Anxious Life

At the risk of sounding dramatic, this is the story of My Anxious Life. It is a bit confronting and was extremely hard to write. But it’s basically just a candid story about my encounters with mental illness over the past 7-8 years. Strangely enough, it runs in conjunction with my Australian Hockey career. A relationship I’m sure isn’t coincidental. But that’s a tale for another time…

My name is Simon Orchard. I’m an Australian Kookaburra, journalism and PR student, loving son and big brother; and I’m a mental illness sufferer.

I’m hesitant to label myself with a disorder of any kind 1) Because I feel like my issue ranks on the lower side of the spectrum when discussing mental health; and 2) Because I am wary of overstating the issue. But if I had to name what it is I suffer from, I’d say it’s a fairly mild form of anxiety. Now many people experience feelings of worry or sadness at varying stages of their lives, but this is something that affects me on an almost daily basis. Some may have even seen this in my actions or characteristics from time to time, without perhaps knowing what’s causing it; or realising the full effect it’s having on me. Hopefully what follows will give everyone a better understanding.

Essentially, anxiety is a feeling of worry, nervousness or unease about something with an uncertain outcome.  There are many varying symptoms and it can present itself in a whole range of forms.

I’ve borrowed this next bit from the Beyond Blue website as it sums up exactly how I feel when anxiety hits - “Anxiety is more than just feeling stressed or worried. While stress and anxious feelings are a common response to a situation where a person feels under pressure, it usually passes once the stressful situation has passed, or ‘stressor’ is removed. Anxiety occurs when these anxious feelings don't subside. Anxiety hits when the feelings are ongoing and continue to exist without any particular reason or cause. It’s a serious condition that makes it hard for a person to cope with daily life. It has varying degrees of seriousness and these feelings cannot be easily controlled.”

And that’s the major concern for me. The feelings are hard to control. Everyone thinks about all kinds of things throughout their daily lives. I just give undue credence to an abundance of ideas that deserve no place in my mind; and I guess what makes it harder is that I have the extra pressure of being a semi-professional sportsman as well.

I guess there are a few reasons why I have decided to post this blog, which has been sitting on my desktop dormant for quite a while now.

Firstly, it’s Mental Health Week here in Western Australia and I have been inspired by the amount of people coming forward and sharing their heartfelt stories with the world. I acknowledge that a lot of people are doing it tougher than me, but mental illness takes many shapes and forms, so hopefully my story will be taken for what it’s worth. A minor speed bump on the way to a happier life.

Secondly, there has been a lot of focus on Lance Franklin and his mental health battle of late. I feel empathy for him. The mental burden of being an athlete is tougher than many think. Every time Franklin steps onto the field he is judged by hundreds of thousands of arm chair warriors, many of whom couldn’t jump over their dining room table, let alone take a contested mark at AFL level. I have no doubt this critiquing extends to the training track, the meeting room and many other aspects of his daily life. What percentage of the population has this kind of spotlight shone on them every time they head off to work? Everything he does off the field attracts media scrutiny as well. It takes a lot of courage to put yourself in a position like that; maybe he’s just had enough? He needs to be taken care of before football is even mentioned again.

Lastly, I’m just hoping something I say will resonate with someone out there who is feeling the same way as me. I want to try and help break down the stigma surrounding mental health and hope that this blog post will just make someone else suffering think, “I’m not the only one, phew”.

I can actually pinpoint the moment this stuff all started manifesting itself. And it began with health anxiety in 2007. I had just been given a scholarship to the Australian Institute of Sport and moved to Perth as a 20-year-old. I left everything and everyone I knew back on the east coast. And looking back, that’s probably part of the reason I struggled so much in the early years. Upon arriving and starting to train every day with the squad, I remember coming off one session with a pain in my chest. I checked with the physio and he said everything seemed fine. I kept training, but it was still there. So I went off to see our team doctor. He said it seemed fine, but prescribed me anti-inflammatory pills which I began taking. Nothing changed. Then I started to sit out training due to the ‘pain’. We had a scan done. Nothing. We got more scans. Nothing again. This carried on for about three months. And then suddenly one day, it just disappeared as if it never existed; funny that. Looking back, I think that was the start of my health anxiety.

Over the next year I was a bloody mess - literally. I remember biting into a sandwich one day and seeing blood on the bread. My gums were bleeding. At first I thought nothing of it, but whilst brushing my teeth the next day, the same thing happened. So I hit Google up. I searched ‘Bleeding gums’ and BANG, Leukemia popped up (several causes down mind you). So I started searching for symptoms of that. Easy bleeding – Yeah derr. Fever – I am a bit sweaty. Fatigue – yawn hmm now that you mention it. Swollen Lymph Nodes – Probably. I didn’t even actually know what they were originally, but once I found them, I reckon I pressed them until they become sore and swollen. So for the next few weeks I seriously thought I had leukemia. It wasn’t until I asked for a blood test that things returned to normal. The test results were fine, what do you know, no leukemia. Lots of people still laugh about it, including me. But it worried me a lot.

Fast forward a few years and the same thing happened to me in Holland when I was living and playing over there. I remember a little lump popping up on my neck. I panicked. I remember trying to puncture it with a pin with the help of Matt Butturini, thinking it may have just been something superficial. But it didn’t work. I started Googling again. Was it a swollen lymph node? It was in the right spot to be one? Shit, cancer. I remember being at training the next day and picking up balls between drills when I stopped and thought to myself ‘Fuck, how can I play hockey with cancer? This might be it for me’ Ridiculous. It worried the hell out of me for nearly a whole week, consumed me, it was all I thought about. Until I saw a local doctor who took one look at it and said ‘It’s just a fatty deposit, it’ll go away on it’s own, don’t worry.” Fuck. I felt pretty stupid, but so relieved. But if only I actually listened to those last two words “don’t worry”. Things might be a bit different now.

Stuff like that still happens, just less often now. I remember asking Matty Swann to check my lymph nodes in my armpit once in the gym last year as I thought they were swollen. He laughed and said no, fair enough too. But then he checked his and because he could feel them, I think he panicked for a second as well. It was obviously nothing serious for both of us. Well nothing physical anyway, it gave me another mental beat down though that’s for sure. And I have a lot of guilt about these self-diagnoses as well. I often think how selfish I am to make this stuff up when there are thousands of people out there who actually have these diseases. Anyway.

It’s a stupid thing, health anxiety. Basically whenever I start feeling a bit unwell, my first thought is that it could be something very serious, like cancer. I often laugh with guys about how many times I’ve diagnosed myself with life threatening diseases, but the worry and stress that comes with this false diagnosis is pretty crippling. I’ve spent entire weeks planning my life for diseases that could kill me, soon finding out off our team doctors that all I have is a sore throat or a cold…or anxiety. And being a sportsman, my immune system is constantly under pressure. We train so hard that it only takes a few bad nights of sleep or a few too many beers one afternoon and we start getting sniffly or fatigued.

In some positive news, the health anxiety has taken a back seat these last few years. Unfortunately this just means other things have consumed my mind. More important things and things that mean a whole lot more to me at my age. Everything from my hockey, relationships and university to simple things like what I order for dinner or what volume number the TV is on. It feels like nothing is really off-limits with anxiety.

And this is what has led to one of the hardest periods of my life. About two months ago I told the Kookaburras playing group that I needed to take some time off to deal with some issues. It was without doubt one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I bounced into hockey one Friday morning with great optimism and a feeling that once I’d told everyone what was happening, I’d be right. I think I got five seconds into my speech and lost it. Luckily for me, our coach Poss Reid jumped in and saved me. I spent the next few minutes crying and staring at the floor. I couldn’t even look at anyone. I got back into it though, even tried a few jokes to lighten the mood, they went down like lead balloons, as usual. I don’t even really remember what I said. I just remember our physio Ellen yelling something out like “We love you Orch” towards the end…and that was the start of my recovery process.

I can guarantee some of my hockey related anxiety issues have been hidden from the guys around the Kookaburras program pretty well, but maybe not from all. I’ve developed some minor ways of dealing with the anxiousness that many would see from time to time. For example, I cough a lot. Unprovoked, unnecessary coughing that I believe I use to continue breathing. It sounds stupid but I often feel restricted in my chest and think that this small cough enables me to breathe properly again. I’d do this up to 100 times a day, it’s pretty annoying. I can’t sit still either. I bounce my legs or wiggle my toes. This doesn’t really affect others, but people have mentioned it to me before. It’s worse when I’m stuck on a place for hours during our trips overseas. Sometimes I feel like I’m going to explode, my body is so restless and jumpy. This probably carries over to my inability to focus on one given thing for long periods of time. During a flight, some guys will sit and watch movies from start to finish. Not me. I will watch half a movie, listen to music for 20 minutes, do some Sudoku puzzles, get up and move around, watch another quarter of the movie, fall asleep, write a blog, read the newspaper, watch the rest of my movie, play a game on my phone; all the while bouncing my legs and coughing. I really struggle to stay on task. It’s bloody mentally exhausting and the same thing happens at home.

Over the years I’ve got in a few scuffles with guys at training or disagreed with people in meetings. I guess at the time of confrontation I can come across as uncaring, insincere or just as an arsehole. I assure you the persona displayed at the time is totally different to the one behind closed doors. I’ve spent so much time worrying about incidents as small as disagreeing about something with someone in a team meeting, to big things like almost coming to blows with Jamie Dwyer at a training session in 2012. I still worry about these incidents today. I can remember nearly every small disagreement /push and shove/spray I’ve handed out. I guess one answer to this issue is to control myself more on the field. But I am a physical, aggressive and uncompromising player. It’s part of the reason I’ve managed to have such a successful career to date. The other answer is to find peace in who I am and what I stand for on the field. That’s proving difficult as well as many of these characteristics don’t extend to my off-field behaviour. I just really care. To the point that I constantly beat myself up time and time again for altercations I’ve had around hockey.

Another example is mealtime as a group on tour. Sometimes when a player sits down at a table with me, but doesn’t sit in the seat next to me, I feel as if I’ve done something wrong. I know they probably haven’t even thought about the exact seat they sit in, but I have. This doesn’t mean I want guys to jump in next to me all the time (I do crave the attention though). It’s more about me learning to understand exactly what’s happening and then being able to master the ability to put things like this in their rightful place. I need to learn learn how to deal with being on my own every now and then. This example is ridiculous, even to me. And I know it sounds crazy, but it’s a real concern for me.

I guess the next two examples are probably the worst for me. If I can’t get in contact with a few certain people in my life for whatever reason, I start to panic. Not all the time, but sometimes. If I call someone and they don’t answer, I think that they are either hurt, in trouble, or maybe even worse. This can lead to a severely overwhelming sense of anxiety and worry. One that can’t be fixed until I see their name pop up on my phone again. So I’m not a stalker who calls 32 times over a space of 10 minutes (slight over exaggeration here), I just want to make sure you’re OK. I am getting better at this though and it’s just about rationalising each situation. It’s about asking myself what are the chances that they have been kidnapped in broad daylight by a raving, murderous lunatic? Low.

Another example, which popped up during World League, was one that worried me more than most. For whatever reason I remember looking out the hotel window at our balcony/ladder one day and thinking “What would happen if I jumped off that?” Now to anyone reading this, I can guarantee you it wasn’t a suicidal thing. I didn’t ever want to jump. 100%. But the fact the thought entered my head, the head of a noted anxiety sufferer, set me into a real tailspin. I haven’t thought about it since and am comfortable talking about it now. But it scared the shit out of me. I spoke with our team psych Catherine at length, and thankfully she was fantastic in her ability to calm me down and reconfirm that everything was OK. But this happened in the middle of the biggest event of the year, the World League event in Belgium. Pretty daunting.

I guess I just let things get to me. I over react to varying situations and am pretty emotional. I’m sensitive and take things personally. I’m a worrier and a "what-if" thinker. I worry excessively, about all kinds of things. The hard part is I also really like having fun, don’t like missing out on things, love communicating and engaging with people, being adventurous and having a good time. It’s a real yin and yang kind of thing. And it wears me out.

Sometimes I find it difficult to sleep and often feel tired and fatigued as the anxiety creeps into my dreams as well. Of a recent sleep study done on several of the Kookaburras by our sports physiologist during the World League event, my total sleep hours per night were just above 8, not too bad really. But only 6 of those were deemed efficient sleep hours, mostly because I toss and turn constantly. The rest of the guys tested averaged around 7.5 hours of efficient sleep a night. Maybe twice a week I wake up in a panic. I’ve woken up to roommates asking if I was OK? I’ve ended up on top of dining room tables trying to escape creatures in my bed. I’ve been up swinging pillows at imaginary intruders. Swinging hard as well; smashing lights and knocking photos over. It’s pretty scary.

I have irrational fears and often display signs of perfectionism and obsessive-compulsive disorder. Probably part of the reason I am always playing with my hair, walking around cracks in the road or incessantly washing my hands. My body also produces a lot of weird feelings. Strange or out of the ordinary feelings that so far, has always proven to not be life threatening. For me, the common ones are tingling hands, night sweats, a tight chest or blurred vision. I guess to most people, these things are just a passing curiosity. To me, they are always causes for concern. Am I sick? Is it life threatening? Is it cancer? These are usually the first three questions that pop into my mind. The fear can become overwhelming. Just the thought of the symptoms can produce the symptoms themselves!

It feels like sometimes there is no real escape from it. And I guess the hardest part for me is the effect it’s having on the rest of my life. I’m pretty open and honest about a lot of things in my life, but I have struggled to have this conversation with many people. Partly because I ignored it, partly because I don’t want to burden others with my problems and partly because when I’m with people and actively keeping busy or enjoying myself, I feel pretty good.

You always hear stories about people who suffer from mental illness being the ones you wouldn’t assume battled with it, or wouldn’t think twice about it. This is no badge of honour, but I think I’m one of those. Without a doubt some of the guys have probably picked up on things over the years and they would make sense now. But they were probably largely unaware of the damage it was causing behind closed doors.

They say 1 in 4 people suffer from anxiety and don’t know about it. That’s a hell of a lot of people. And the thing that disappoints me most is that there is still a stigma attached to mental health somehow. I want to help raise awareness and encourage mental health sufferers to seek out assistance and support. I want them to realise that we aren’t alone. But I also want them to acknowledge that the path to sound mental health often begins with self-leadership. Recognising it for what it is and putting things in place to work on it everyday. Instead of hiding it away, confront it head on. There are times in life where things might become a bit too much and a line suddenly appears. What happens next is up to you; do you cross it and deal with it? Or stay on the other side of the line and slowly disintegrate. And at times you might not be able to stop the waves coming in, but you can sure as hell learn how to surf!

If you are struggling with any form of mental illness and feel like you need a hand, call Lifeline on 13 11 14.

Or you can visit the great sites below:

Black Dog Institute - http://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au

Beyond Blue - https://www.beyondblue.org.au

Lions leaving the den…AGAIN?

As a disastrous 2015 lurches to a close, rumblings about player disharmony, unhappiness and homesickness are once again threatening to tear the Brisbane Lions list apart.

James Aish is definitely on the way out. It’s been a tough year for the youngster with injury and form hampering his ability to consistently reach the sky high potential he possessed when drafted 2 years ago.

Jack Redden has announced this week that he wants to be traded, with reports surfacing that he is unhappy with head coach Justin Leppitsch.

Stefan Martin wants to go home to Victoria; Dayne Zorko could seemingly be pried away for the right offer; and Jed Adcock and Matthew Leauenberger have been told they can seek other opportunities.

So as this once proud club seemingly heads for a mass player exodus similar to 2013, what is going wrong north of the border?

Yes, the team is poor. Their record in 2015 speaks for itself. 3 wins, 18 losses and a pathetic percentage of 65.3.

But with question marks hanging over half a dozen of their best and brightest players for the 2016 season, how can they stop the rot?

For me, there are two major issues; an under resourced player wellbeing program; and a distinct lack of leadership.

The board has already taken steps to improve one of these aspects.

In great news for the club, welfare guru Craig Lambert and his wife Melissa seem likely to re-join the Lions and head up the player welfare program for the 2016 season.

This is a significant move to try and quell the dissatisfaction existing amongst current players and potentially future draftees.

In an age when it has become increasingly easy to change clubs, people with the ability to make the footy environment more welcoming are worth their weight in gold.

These people help you build a culture capable of empowering these youngsters and making them feel at home in a completely foreign environment.

But although this is a step in the right direction, there is plenty more to do.

My biggest issue lies with the coach and captain of the club, Justin Leppitsch and Tom Rockliff.

In my opinion, they aren’t good leaders.

There are growing concerns about Leppitschs ability to connect with the playing group on a deeper, more personal level.

He is said to be tough, hard and confronting. This was seen earlier in the year where he was involved in a physical altercation with rookie Zac O’Brien, where he allegedly pinned him against the wall of the changeroom during a reserves game.

That’s old school coaching. Prehistoric coaching. Stupid and insensitive coaching.

Now both parties apologised for their role in the fracas. And it was a one-off. But no doubt some damage was done to ‘Leppas’ standing around the club.

Leppitsch is hard–nosed, with a waft of arrogance, which can ruffle some feathers. So I guess if there was a suitable foil around the club for his up front style of coaching and leadership, it might be more tolerable.

But there isn’t. Lions captain Tom Rockliff is the same kind of man.

His leadership style is brazen and in your face. He is confrontational, straight-shooting and offers tough love. He is blue-collar, and this helped him earn the respect of some of his peers, but not all of them.

Does Rockliff have the ability to be a calming, supportive influence on a distressed and unhappy youngster?

Or does he dress him down on social media when he expresses some dissatisfaction with the clubs direction?

Rockliffs actions have caused some disillusionment amongst his peers. But Leppitsch has openly backed him in saying “I don’t want a wallflower captain”. What sort of message does that send the playing group?

And then he compared his leadership style to Luke Hodge. Give me a break.

Below is a list of Brisbane Lions draftees who have left, or are likely to leave the club this year

2013: Pick 7 - James Aish*

2011: Picks 8, 12 and 30 – Billy Longer, Sam Docherty and Elliot Yeo

2010: Picks 5 and 25 – Jared Polec and Patrick Karnezis

2008: Pick 25 – Jack Redden*

2007: Pick 8 – Lachie Henderson

2006: Pick 4 – Matthew Leauenberger*

2005: Pick 9 – Mitch Clark

* likely to leave the club

This tells the story. An abundance of high-end draft talent lost to other clubs.

The Brisbane Lions footy club lacks soul. The culture is rotting. They need to develop a program where players not only want to come to the club, they want to stay.

Talented duo Daniel Rich and Sam Mayes are off contract at the end of next year as well, watch this space.

The Debutants

During the recent Australia v India test series, Flynn Ogilvie, Matthew Dawson, Tom Craig, Leon Hayward and Dylan Wotherspoon's made their Kookaburra debuts. Here you can watch all the build-up and preparation that leads into playing for the Australian Men's Hockey Team.

Ric Charlesworth - The Legend.

“The reign of one of Australian sport’s finest coaches is set to end after Kookaburras mentor Ric Charlesworth announced he will step down after the Commonwealth Games later this year”. With that headline, this blog began, albeit a few months ago. But Ric had one last trick up his sleeve, an early retirement. As was Rics way, he did something different to the norm. I’ll add it to the list as I take the chance to write about our coach, our mentor and my mate Ric.

Many superlatives can be used to describe Ric. Knowledgeable, prepared, thorough, passionate, competitive, honest, influential, cryptic, uncompromising, perfectionist, crazy or stubborn, the list goes on and on. But one of his greatest traits is that he cares about his players and has crafted and perfected the rare ability to extract the best out of most of them. He knows which players need extra attention and which players can handle a kick up the arse. Just as he knows who isn’t working hard enough or who is exceeding expectations.

He adheres to the philosophy of troubling the comfortable and comforting the troubled. It was this mantra that saw him occasionally clash with the greatest female player of our generation, Alyson Annan. “We were all motivated to be the best we could be,” said Annan. “Ric’s undeniable ability to bring the best and the worst out in people is extraordinary.
“ It is a shame that it is only when you get older that you begin to realise just how good it was, how great our team was and how dedicated we were to achieve our goals.” It's only been a few months since Ric departed, but I'm already starting to get that feeling...

I had many arguments with Ric, or as he liked to call them, ‘robust discussions’. A contest of ideas he reckons. Contests he still always wanted to win. These robust discussions often left each of us with something to think about even if we didn’t resolve the issue immediately at hand. A handful of times over the past six years I would have either called my Dad or girlfriend and vented. ‘Fucking Ric, what’s his problem?’ to which they would usually reply, ‘why do you think he said that? This would cause me the most annoyance, as more often than not, I'd spend so long trying to work out the meaning behind his comments that I’d often forget what we were even ‘robustly discussing’ in the first place. It usually always circled around to motivating me to be better, to push myself more and reach my true potential. Something I probably failed to do in his time in charge, even with his constant encouragement.

One of the first things Ric ever said to the Kookaburras group was that he would treat us all fairly but not necessarily equally. And to his credit, he upheld this notion for the most part. Glenn Turner lived and trained in Goulburn for a large part of Ric’s time in charge because it enabled him to keep his long-term job and be close to his family. Tristan White shared his time between Wollongong and Perth in order to study and train in the environment best suited to his needs. And Jamie Dwyer skipped a session here and there last year in order to manage his workload leading into the World Cup. All were different circumstances but all were in the best interests of the individual and therefore, the team.

Being a avid reader and wordsmith, Ric would often bamboozle the group with his penchant for big words, some I still believe he made up, but would usually make it an enjoyable experience for all. He used to single Mark Paterson out, he was the human dictionary. Ric would shout out a word, Pato would have to define it, Pato would generally stuff it up and we would all have a good laugh. He would mingle with the group whilst away on tour, not everyday, but just enough. The corridor of the hotel was where he would model his various fashion faux paus’, or as he would call them, ‘future trends’. He would gather many of the single boys in every now and then and give them some advice on how to ‘pick up chicks’. Not many chicks were picked up in those six years. We even found something that Ric wasn’t good at during one tour of Malaysia…playstation. One of the worst to ever pickup the controller. He swore, he whinged, he whined, he stunk the place up with his lousy attempt at AFL and after a few goes at trying to master it, cracked the shits, blamed the game's creators and slunk his way out of the room.

Ric has a pretty quick wit as well, and could deliver a line with timing and enough of an edge to leave you partly laughing but partly shitting yourself. I remember Ric once asking if anyone had replied to his email, asking for information on a previous tour. I replied “I think all of your emails go to my trash Ric”. At that moment he wheeled around and with a menacing look said to me “Well Orch, selection is tomorrow and I have a feeling your name will go straight to the trash bin”. Oops. I made sure I replied to Ric as soon as I got home from training.

In terms of coaching, he achieved a 77 per cent win ratio with both the Hockeyroos and Kookaburras teams. In all, he won 333 matches as coach, losing just 50. Find me a coach with a better record over such a long period and I will eat my hockey stick.

Doctor, politician, Sheffield Shield cricket captain (although it was said ‘paint dried and grass grew faster than Ric scored runs’), exceptional hockey player then decorated coach, consultant to Indian hockey, New Zealand cricket and the Fremantle Dockers AFL team, Ric, at 62, decided it was time to retire and spend more time with his young family. And who could blame him. He has given so much to hockey, and sport in general. He has revolutionised the way hockey is played to the point where the Kookaburras are now lauded by the public worldwide and are the envy of all of our competitors.

His outspoken approach has at times brought criticism and misunderstanding, but he has never backed down from wanting to improve the game and to keep it contemporary in an ever changing sporting landscape.

Here, a direct quote from Ric sums up our style of play the best “I think what I always tried to do as a coach were create teams that were exceptional – teams that did things better than everybody else, teams that pushed the margins, that extended themselves, and tried to dominate and change the game.”

He’s amongst the greatest coaches in the modern sporting era but was still learning and evolving after 20 years in the game. Soccer analyst and World Cup commentator Simon Hill made the comment after Brazil 2014 that teams which attack with lightning pace, and press high with dynamic energy have inherited the earth. Now I realise soccer isn’t hockey but the games have many similarities and it’s no coincidence that the style of play that set the football world alight in Brazil was first pioneered in hockey by Ric in 2009 when he took over the Kookaburras. He’s that far ahead of the game…

In one of my last ‘robust discussions’ with Ric, we discussed the future and it was then that I saw the first signs that maybe he had grown tired of the coaching caper. He had always said that a coach’s lifespan was about 6-8 years, anymore than that and he thought the message and the process started to become a bit stale.

I walked away from that meeting with a sense that he was carrying some uncertainty about his role as head coach. I've often thought a man of his ilk would never struggle with self-confidence but I feel it’s often the greatest people that require the most positive reinforcement, something that probably didn’t come from our group all too often. He asked me if I thought he was the right man for the job (perhaps tongue in cheek) and I’m pretty sure he cut me off before I could say anything…

What I wanted to say was 'yes, of course you are. You, along with the rest of our coaching staff are the reason we are the best side in the world. You’ve taught us how to be better hockey players and in the last 12-24 months especially, better men as well. You motivate players to realise their potential and reach levels no one else thought possible. You’re more than a coach, you’re a mentor, a teacher, a father figure, a mate. And above all else Ric, the part that impresses me the most is that you have maintained the focus and purpose to sustain excellence whilst everyone else struggles to sustain success'. 


I went home that day, after the meeting, and wrote a two-page email basically saying a lot of the stuff in this blog but never sent it. I just let it sit. I don’t think it would have changed his mind about coaching but at least then he would of known how I felt. Hopefully after reading this he will…even though he professes to never reading this ‘rubbish’.

To finish, after the London Olympics Ric sent us all out an individual review. Mine wasn’t great and it annoyed me. He wanted to meet up, I didn’t. But finally we got hold of each other and that was when I told him that review aside, I thoroughly enjoyed the Olympic experience and that although I was extremely disappointed to not win a gold medal with my teammates in London, I was still happy.

He still thinks I’m crazy. Can't comprehend it. I don’t think he could believe what he was hearing. How could I say that, especially as he was so disappointed, taking a lot of the blame upon himself? This is the one thing I thought Ric could do better, enjoy the ride, make the most of the good and bad and remember that it is only a game. Alas, he doesn’t think that way.

But for me, a quote from Alyson Annan’s book says it best. “Failure is never fun, but success doesn’t guarantee happiness. What guarantees happiness, whether you have failed or succeeded, is knowing that you gave it your best effort”. I think everyone can train harder, longer, better, with more determination, energy and effort. I could of done much more. But as a coach, Ric left no stone unturned in his quest, our quest for an Olympic gold medal. So instead of being so hard on yourself Ric, pat yourself on the back for a change, knowing that you gave it your all, gave us the best chance of winning. And sit back now, knowing that you stand atop the coaching mountain with names like Harry Hopman, Wayne Bennett and Rod MacQueen. Maybe you can change that motto as well, something like...

What is the price of life? The Pursuit of Happyness ; )

Ric kept us guessing his entire coaching career and he did it again with his early retirement announcement. I for one was really disappointed in the decision, but am thrilled he could go out the way he did. His hockey and life lessons will stick with me forever in a day. The coach that changed the way we play and win. The coach that reinvented our game. The coach that just wanted the best for his team. The greatest coach there ever was…Ric, you are a legend!

The 'enigmatic' Ric Charlesworth at our post-2014 World Cup celebrations

A Golden Chapter – Comprehensive, Connected and Resilient

It’s been a while between blogs but for good reason I think. The last few months have been some of the most challenging but rewarding of my life. I started writing this blog on the way home from the Commonwealth Games in Glasgow where the Kookaburras once again proved why we are amongst the best sporting teams in the world. We successfully defended the Commonwealth Games title we won back in Delhi in 2010, and only months after regaining what is the greatest prize in our sport outside of the Olympic Games, the Hockey World Cup.

Three words sum these last few months up for me; comprehensive, connected and resilient, and today’s blog will explain why. Because although we’ve seemingly blown everyone away over the last few months, this period hasn’t been without its difficulties. And even though this blog could easily centre around our obvious on-field success so far this year, it wont. It will showcase the commitment and class of a few guys in the side that epitomise the team first mentality this group has adopted over the last few years and the bonds we have forged because of it. This is how you build a platform for success...

On the eve of the World Cup two of our teammates and form players, Glenn Simpson and Russell Ford, were ruled out after sustaining injuries only days before the tournament was due to begin. Simmo copped a nasty whack on the ankle in a warm-up game v England resulting in a break. Rusty took off on a lead in our last practice game v Germany only to feel something wrong with his calf, it was a tear.

I will never forget the feeling in the room when Ric had to deliver the news to the team that Glenn and Russ had been ruled out of the World Cup. I’m not usually one to use superlatives that compare sport to war and battle because they are nothing alike, but this was as tough a moment as I’ve ever endured, it was heartbreaking. Everyone’s face was plastered with devastation. Russ had tears in his eyes, Simmo was stoic but you could tell he was clearly shattered as well, yet neither of them let their emotions hijack the situation. And if someone had of walked into the room right then, they would have stumbled upon one of the defining moments of our trip. A moment when 20 blokes were unified - truly connected - by what had just happened.

I look back now and still wonder how the hell we all pulled it together so well. Partly because we had prepared so well for such an instance. We’d spent many late nights discussing endless possibilities, dealing with our feelings, talking things over and learning to understand each other and how we should react to potential events of this nature. But the main reason we got on with the job so well was the attitude of the boys directly involved. Obviously it was an extremely difficult situation but such is the nature of Simmo and Russ, they didn’t let it impact on the team and as such should be applauded for their resilience. They were all class and although they missed the tournament, they were a huge part of the team’s success. That afternoon set the scene for what would be a memorable few weeks.

But from great tragedy comes great opportunity. Enter Tim Deavin and Matt Gohdes. Both boys were travelling with the side in the lead up to the tournament in the off chance that they may be needed if something went wrong. It says a lot about the character of both of them, knowing that their dream was so close yet still out of reach when we took off for The Hague. They ate, slept, trained, recovered and attended meetings with the rest of the team; all the while knowing that ultimately they would be leaving the day the tournament began. But they were called on and they both delivered in spades. It can’t have been easy but both of them slotted straight into the side and had a huge impact on what is one of our sport’s biggest stages. Bravo boys!

The World Cup was everything it was billed to be. In my opinion, the greatest hockey nation in the world hosted the greatest hockey event the world has ever seen. The stadium was colossal. The fans were loud and passionate. The city embraced each nation and showcased all the good things about our sport. And as a team, we may have finally lived up to our considerable potential. We stood on the podium with our gold medals and were as close to exceptional as I think we’ve ever been. We had just annihilated the Dutch 6-1 in the final to cap off an undefeated tournament. This might have even pleased Ric Charlesworth, not for long though I’m sure.

But before the dust could even settle on the greatest moment of our careers, our coach and two of our most senior players decided to call it quits. Ric said he’d had enough and perhaps the fire that'd burnt so brightly in him for so long had finally began to fade. Team mainstays Liam De Young and Rob Hammond announced their retirement’s days later and so ended three outstanding Kookaburra chapters. There was plenty of emotion flying around that’s for sure.

But the rollercoaster had only just started to rev up. Our Commonwealth Games team was then announced and many new faces were included. Jamie Dwyer was left out in what can only be described as a decision with the future in mind, even though I still think he is amongst the best 16 players in the country. But as the team showed in Glasgow, the future is bright. We had 10 Commonwealth Games debutants and a 4-0 result in the final again capped off another undefeated run. New faces announced themselves, guided by the experience of others who had been there before. And the tournament was fun! I thoroughly enjoyed every moment of Glasgow and it puts an exclamation point on the best few months of my hockey career to date.

And what is most incredible and outstanding for me is the fact that we did what any great team does, we defended our titles and we did it comprehensively. We are the worlds best and I for one am going to spend the next few months letting that sink in. There’s only one thing missing from the trophy cabinet now…

Cheers guys,

Orch

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Thanks to Voodoo Hockey Australia – best sticks in the business!

***Whilst writing this blog I was listening to Milky Chance's album - Sadnecessary. Check it out : D